Sometimes the Onion is scarily true...

Two weeks after the hourly federal minimum wage was raised from $5.15 to $5.85, families across the country were still celebrating the historic increase by running their electric fans, buying coveted half-gallons of milk, and, like Charice Williams of Shreveport, LA, purchasing name-brand ketchup to share with loved ones.

"I can't remember the last time I could afford Hunt's," said the 41-year-old mother of six, who for more than a decade has purchased ValuTime ketchup to garnish everything from Hamburger Helper to Tuna Helper. "Another couple dozen wage increases like this, and we'll be practically swimming in Heinz. Or at least my grandchildren will."