I've learned the past week or so that alot of my problems with myself were of my own doing. Obviously, right? Well it wasn't so easy to figure it out. I've learned what it means to be lost. My definition of lost would be "not having the saving knowledge of Christ as your life's desire". I think most college christians fall into this category, and sadly, I've been the text-book definition for the past year. Anyone that is a true disciple of Christ knows the kind of student/follower i've been the past 12 months.

I pretended to be a Christian, even though nothing in my life, sans music, represented it. I had come to the point where I was convinced that my life was so on track and going smoothly that i could leave God out of the picture and be alright. For a few hours, it worked. But slowly, my righteousness under God was slowly rotting away.

I started drinking Dec 27 2000 after burying Adam Hoover's tahoe in the snow. I convinced myself that it was the cool thing to do. I knew when to stop at first, but as of late, I would drink myself into oblivion. On more than one occasion I drove home so drunk that it was hard to believe. I've actually woken up a few mornings with no recollection of the events the prior night. My drunkenness led one night in November to the loss of my virginity to a girl that i had absolutely no feelings for. My lust, which has always been a problem, finally overtook me. The first of Dec i realized i was in trouble. I no longer felt like i believed in any facet of God. I was depressed and even contemplated suicide. Suicide? Kinda, though i never once considered it an option. I was just so lonely and depressed and unhappy and every other negative adjective you could think of that i was tired.

I started going back to church in late December hoping that it would magically put my life back together. No such luck; I now realize how foolish i was. I was just like the Israelite Army in 1 Samuel 4. I was using God. The Israelite army was fighting with the philistines. The Israelite forces were being rocked by the philistines and the commanders were wondering what they should do? First they questioned God on why he'd let the philistines win the battles. The commanders decided to carry the Ark of The Covenant into battle and surely the philistines would be defeated. Problem was, they didn't trust God, they trusted the Ark. I was doing much of the same thing. I was trusting CHURCH to help me, but not God. The philistines laid into the Israelite Army that day killing 30,000 men and capturing the Ark.

I have good friends; good enough to remind me how powerful and worthy God truly is. For the past few weeks, God has been amazing. Helping me with my life, helping me help other people, and lighting my fire again. I've still got alot to deal with, but i feel like a huge burden was lifted off of me when i finally returned to God. I pray now that i may "run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.(1 Cor 9)

I know there are alot of you, my friends, who are dealing with the same struggles. I'm praying for you because I know it's hard to come to terms with yourself. It took me a year. I've learned you can't be a Christian only in your mind. It has to be in your actions, thoughts, friendships, work, studies, and every other facet of life. You can't believe in God and not follow Christ. You can't drink (to get drunk) and still follow Christ. You can't stop going to church and follow Christ. You can't sleep with your boyfriend or girlfriend and still follow Christ. It's time we stop living as False Christians and realize who we really are.
Non-Christians.

note: i'm willing to talk with anyone about anything above mentioned. I know the last part was very abrasive to some of you, but it was completely Spirit-led and from personal experience!